The Tourist

The Tourist

1.5/5

Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

Starring: Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie

Films with absurd, preposterous plots need to keep the audience interested by at least making things sassy, snappy and action-packed. The script needs sly, witty humour at every corner, action scenes need to dazzle the screen and the actors involved in the film need to click, and be charismatic enough to make us care. "The Tourist" is a film that ticks none of these boxes, which is why even with the two biggest names in the film industry as its leads (Johnny Depp!!! Angelina Jolie!!!), it turns into a deadly boring, slow, unappealing film that tries to juggle sex, guns, money and betrayals to no successful outcome.

Jolie is Elise Ward, a beautiful woman with that classic femme fatale grin that lets you know instantly that she's hiding something. What has she done? It's unclear at this point but it appears she is under surveillance from the British government. The surveillance involves the most conspicuous van following Ms. Ward around in the French capital, through the narrow streets, only a few metres behind her. Only an idiot wouldn't notice such a sloppy bit of work. But Elise doesn't seem to care. She heads to a café for her usual breakfast where she indirectly receives a mysterious letter from Alexander Pearce. Her mission is to board a train to Venice, find a man similar to Pearce's build, and to fool the authorities into believing that the innocent man is in fact Pearce. Oh, and Pearce seems to be her lover.

Silly enough for you? It gets a lot more free-spirited which again, would have been fine if there were enough entertaining material to back all of it up. On the train Elise has a good look at the men around her. She chooses Frank (Depp), an American maths teacher. Here it helps that Elise is darn good-looking. Frank falls for her instantly and it only takes seconds before he is doing everything she asks him to. Soon they're travelling together, booking into the same hotel room, having meals etc. So she succeeds in her mission. People think Frank is Alexander Pearce. A British agent chasing after Pearce doesn't quite fall for this little trick but he's the least of Elise's problems. It turns out Pearce stole quite a large sum from a dangerous gangster. Over 2 billion pounds to be more exact (it's never explained to us just how someone manages to run off with that kind of money). The boss is obviously angry and has a lot of hired Russian men (whenever there's hired muscle, they're always Russian for some reason) with guns at his disposal. And of course he gathers enough evidence to be convinced that Frank is the man he wants. Frank's life spirals out of control as grumpy-looking agents start chasing him all over the beautiful city for something he never did. 

With two appealing leads, great location, plot points echoing those of "North by Northwest," it all sounds very exciting. But Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck has seemingly achieved the impossible. He found the most useless way of spending 100 million dollars. There is absolutely nothing fun about this supposed thriller. There are two action scenes, both as pathetic and effortless as one another. One sees Depp running on rooftops in his pyjamas. Well, he doesn't run, he jogs. He is chased by men with guns. There is no sense of urgency though, it's slow, lifeless and not in the least bit inventive. It's so useless at creating any sense of pace that sometimes you forget that Depp is actually running for his life. The boat chase is not much better. Through the narrow streams of Venice, boats could have crashed, or at least bumped into something. But no, the boats gently glide along at a morbid pace with both Jolie and Depp looking surprisingly relaxed. Gunshots are fired but the result...wait for it...is a few broken windows. Two boats are tied together. So? When the camera moves so slowly, and when the sequence itself is so unimaginative, it doesn't matter how many boats are involved. It's pure laziness.

Whenever Jolie walks by a crowd of men, they all stop, admire her beauty and can't take their eyes off her. Jolie has rarely looked better in a film - so well-dressed, well-accessorised - but it appears that is all she does in this film. Look fantastic. She's an excellent actress in the right roles, but the only acting skill she gets to show is her English accent, which is actually quite good. Other than that, she stands around in "ravishing" dresses, giving us mysterious stares and ambiguous looks that try to add something juicy into the otherwise dry film. Depp is just the brainless idiot with puppy-dog eyes following Jolie with his tongue hanging out. It's an unclear role and even Depp looks confused as to what the heck he's doing, a mutual feeling that is also shared by the audience.

There is no real spark between the two and the drab script has a lot of responsibility to take. There isn't a single exchange between our two good-looking characters that triggers a laugh, smile or any sense of attraction. Elise asks for his name. He says Frank. She hits back with "that's a terrible name." Was this supposed to be the cornerstone of playful banter? It's not sexy, it's not even remotely funny, and as the film goes on it would be safe to say that the writers simply gave up on trying to give these actors something interesting to share. The pace refuses to move along, as there are awkward pauses, silences, and none of them for good reasons.

And what's up with the ridiculous score? The composer in charge of the soundtrack (James Newton Howard) must have thought that he was providing music for a fairytale romance. A lot of it sounds too light and immature, not cheeky or stylish enough. Aside from not suiting its lavish surroundings, the magnificent stars seem completely separate from the detached score. Even in the "action sequences" the music doesn't even think of coming up with anything remotely exciting, and does nothing to even slightly improve the already struggling action element of the film.

The big twist that attempts to redeem what little dignity left in the film also falls flat as there have been far too many hints and obvious red herrings that make the audience look elsewhere for answers. This is never good since nine times out of ten, the audience will figure out the big mystery long before the film decides to solve it. Was this the most disappointing film of 2010? Most likely. There have been lots of awful films as always, but none came with the same level of expectation "The Tourist" did. Hopefully an ignorable blip on both Jolie and Depp's usually above-average film choices. And as for von Donnersmarck, perhaps he over-extended himself with an alarmingly high budget and didn't really know how to cope with all the Hollywood style. Go back to the place that allowed you to make your outstanding "The Lives of Others." We need more films like that; and you'll be more respected because of it.